RHOA: “What kind of activity are you going to do? Go to Dave & Busters?”

November 22nd, 2011

SPOILER ALERT: Apollo didn’t take his shirt of at all during last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta. Not once! That means that our Shirtless Apollo account this season still stands at zero, despite the fact that I think I’ve seen both Nene and Kim basically shirtless. (Did anyone else catch the Boob Sling picture from last night’s baby shower?)

Anyway, as if our Jersey housewives hadn’t perpetrated enough almost-violence at childhood celebrations to last us all a lifetime, we had a near-fight at Kim’s baby shower last night. The only other notable thing about the episode was that Sheree thinks a ballroom is a must-have for a house. Oh, and Peter’s a jerk. But we already knew that.

We started the episode with Sheree and some power tools, but it’s not what you think. She visited a construction site where her next foreclosure was being built, complete with a ballroom and massage room and a big giant “S” on the front above the door. Sheree managed to tell us that the home would be 8000 square feet without directly telling us that, which only makes me wonder whether Sheree’s bucking for some kind of Foreclosure of the Year award. Last I checked, lady still doesn’t have a steady job other than being a Real Housewife, which we all know doesn’t pay for 8000 square feet on its own.

Over at Phaedra’s house, things were equally awkward. Apollo got pulled over on a case of “mistaken identity,” which never exactly got explained, but he complained that Phaedra didn’t have his back. Apparently he was angry that she believed someone who said that they saw him get yanked out of his car and manhandled by police, and he thought she shouldn’t have taken the other person’s word for it. Unless I’m misunderstanding the conversation, though, the other person was right? What they said happened actually had happened, and he lied to Phaedra about it at the time until he felt like telling the truth? Apollo didn’t seem concerned that the other person was telling the truth, or that his wife had believed the truth. I don’t have enough time for this bullshit, particularly if Apollo is still fully clothed while it’s happening.

At Cynthia’s house, a proper fight was about to go on. While Peter was making some chicken (that has to be on our Stereotype Bingo cards, right?), Cynthia’s baby daddy Leon (swoon) came over to see his daughter and give Peter a little bit of ill-received advice on how to patch things up with Cynthia’s family. Because Peter still thinks he’s a preening, testosterone-filled teenage boy, despite being a grown man with a wife and a step daughter and some real stuff to do with. He resents Cynthia’s family for not wanting her to marry him, but as we all know, Cynthia’s family was right. Even Cynthia might know that at this point, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s too late for her to get back with Leon.

Meanwhile, at a restaurant, Kim was passive-aggressively trying to break Sheree’s ankles by making her walk through a gravel lot in stilettos so that they could talk about their respective homes. Kim, for her part, was getting ready to move into a giant rental in Roswell, which is a suburb of Atlanta. I grew a few minutes from where I think Kim’s house might be, and because I’m currently home to visit for Thanksgiving, I’m considering making a drive-by to see if I can figure out if my suspicions about her location are correct. I don’t know how I’d be able to tell from the outside, but…maybe the house will be wearing a giant blonde wig or something?

For Nene’s lone scene of the episode, she was readying her younger son Brent to go visit his dad at his new house. Brent doesn’t like to go visit his dad because, like any kid that age, he doesn’t like that his dad lives someplace that requires periodic visits. Nene made him pack up his Louis Vuitton suitcase and go anyway, and oh yeah, take the dog too. Nene still hadn’t told them that they were getting a divorce because…well, I have no idea why. I don’t believe her when she says she might not be able to sign the papers, mostly because I don’t believe Nene has real human emotions other than spontaneous rage and whatever emotion it is that makes her tell people she’s rich.

Meanwhile, Kandi and Phaedra got together for a shopping trip to buy Kim some gifts for her baby shower, during which Kandi asked about Apollo’s traffic stop and Phaedra said she didn’t want to talk about it. If it was really just mistaken identity, as Phaedra claimed earlier in the episode, why did she shut Kandi down instead of just telling her the truth? For the same reason that Phaedra insisted she was going to have a c-section at seven months, probably – she’d rather tell a bad, embarrassing lie than admit to any kind of non-perfect truth. At this point, I’m surprised that she admits Apollo went to prison at all.

For the second week in a row, our show’s final party was Kim’s. We once again joined the family during preparations for the party, which involved Kroy painting Arianna’s nails and Kim having her hair done in the middle of the kitchen. I don’t know many 25-year-old dudes who are down for painting anyone‘s nails, let alone their girlfriend’s tween daughter, which makes me think again that Kroy might actually be the real deal. No snark, for once- I really like him, and he seems to really love Kim.

The shower itself was huge, in contrast to what Kim said last season about how showers should be simple and straightforward, which Phaedra helpfully pointed out. She also said that the shower looked a lot like hers, but that may have been wishful thinking on Phaedra’s part – Kim’s was far, far classier, even if it did look like a wedding reception and contain a few too many glassy-eyed photos of Kim and Kroy. There were no pretentious dancers, she didn’t have a centerpiece worth of flowers in her hair, there was no rhinestone eyeliner to be found. Kim’s shower was what Phaedra really wished hers had been, but she’s too boughetto to pull it off without letting someone like Dwight turn it into a hot mess.

Speaking of hot messes, Phaedra pretty soon had one perpetrated on her by Kim’s dad, who seemed to be looking for a job. Shamelessly looking for a job. He approached Phaedra out of nowhere, gave her his card and started a monologue about how he’s the guy behind the lawyers who keeps everything running and makes sure they can do all their lawyerly things with no problems. He’s always on time, a hard worker, blah blah blah. Not in front of the cameras, Mr. Zolciak. Not in front of the cameras. Thankfully, we were all quickly distracted by Brielle giving a speech about how great it was that Kroy had knocked up her mom, which was actually really sweet. Say what you want about Kim, but she spends more time with her kids than any other Real Housewife in any city that I can think of.

Eventually, Cynthia and Peter showed up at the baby shower for the last 20 minutes, after all the gifts had been opened and the cake had been eaten and everyone was already good and drunk and pissed off at him for all of the smack-talking and attention-seeking that he did in some third-rate local magazine a couple months prior. He called Sheree ugly, Kim crazy and Phaedra…well, I don’t remember what he called Phaedra, because they only put the article up on the screen for a second, but you get the idea. Since Peter seems like a petty asshole in addition to being a deadbeat, you can guess how the conversation progressed once the couple arrived.

First, before he even sat down, Peter picked out Miss Lawrence and asked him if he was wearing pumps. Of course Miss Lawrence was, it was a party and those are his party shoes! Peter didn’t say anything about his shoes other than that, but the question seemed pointed, to say the least. Like, “Hey, sissy, you still wearing those sissy shoes? Yeah, I thought so.” Great way to start, Peter! Winning friends and influencing people! That’s why your restaurant was so successful!

After that rude arrival, mention was then naturally made of Peter’s famewhoring magazine interview. I think it was Phaedra who brought it up, but it doesn’t really matter who it was – everyone but Kandi was named in the article, so they all had some kind of beef to settle with Peter. (Except for Kim, of course, who was outside for the entire fight and presumably couldn’t give a rat’s ass if Peter thinks she’s nuts.) So the article was mentioned, and Peter more or less denied that the article actually said what we all saw it say, which is naturally what he’d do instead of either apologizing or explaining that it was a joke or a misquote or some other reasonable explanation. He obviously went to the Phaedra Parks School of Lie Telling.

Apollo, being an ex-con and reality TV star, reacted a bit poorly to Peter’s non-explanations. He got up in Peter’s face, as someone has needed to do since last season (and probably for years before that), and although both parties got all COME AT ME, BRO on each other, neither of them actually threw a punch, and much to my dismay, Apollo kept his shirt on. The Atlanta PD looked on from the sidelines, positively champing at the bit for a reason to get their Tasers out, but it sadly never came. Actually, I think that’s the next Real Housewives milestone we’re headed toward: Someone needs to get tased. Maybe that’ll happen in the next season of Real Housewives of New Jersey.

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