RHOA: “Well, he’s no Ridiculous.”

January 17th, 2012

How is everyone doing on this lovely Martin Luther King Day? I hope you’re all using your day off as a day “on” in your community, but if you’re stuck at the office (or simply too lazy to do something to better humanity), the Real Housewives of Atlanta did us all a favor by showing up to work last night. Sort of, anyway.

If this episode felt like a placeholder to you, it’s because it probably was. Airing a show with an overwhelmingly female audience opposite of something like the Golden Globes telecast is a losing proposition if you actually care who sees the episode, but if it’s just a bunch of random scenes thrown together before a big plot point happens, then it’s perfect. How many of you actually watched Real Housewives last night?

We started with Kim with a gun. There’s no good way to ease you into that – someone (namely her baby daddy) thought it would be a good idea to arm kim so that she can defend her weave against attackers. They even brought the baby to the shooting range and everything. Family moment! I hope they had ear protectors in infant size. But it’s Georgia, after all. They probably did.

Our next stop was a a double date with Phaedra, Apollo, Cynthia and Peter, who apparently had not gotten divorced yet. (We gave you a week to make that happen, Cynthia. What the hell?) They sat down to eat and chit chat, and the only things I remember about the interaction were that Phaedra announced a group trip to South Africa to explore the motherland and I felt a little uncomfortable with Cynthia’s bangs. Something was just…not quite right with them. I don’t know if they were too short or too long or too wide or not quite wide enough, but there was an issue with the bangs and it completely distracted me from everything else that was going on.

Secondly, on the topic of sending the Atlanta housewives to Africa: obvious much, Bravo? I can tell you exactly what the thought process was behind this trip, and it went something like this:

“Hey, we haven’t let the Atlanta housewives go anywhere but Miami. There’s always huge drama on trips. Where should we send them?”
“Well, I mean, they’re black. Send ‘em to Africa?”
“Brilliant! That doesn’t seem stereotypical at all. But make sure you send them to South Africa, there’s still a bunch of white people there. So the crew will feel comfortable, you know.”

And thus, it was decided.

Next up, remember that skeevy pizza dude who violated every obvious etiquette rule of going on a date with a black woman a few weeks ago? Well, he was back and Nene was still entertaining his attention, mostly because he’s really rich. Nene had her sights set on opening a high-end lounge for rich people in Atlanta, and naturally, John was going to foot the bill. At least until he got tired of sleeping with her, of course. Until then, he would continue to buy her Louboutins and entertain her adorable little business ventures. Nene, for her part, was not refusing the free shoes. The whole interaction was extra hilarious when you know that, in the end, the only restaurant opening that happened for Nene was a Famous Famiglia pizza kiosk in the Sacramento airport. How’s that for glamourous? I hope you kept the shoes, dear.

In a completely different part of town, Phaedra and Kandi got together to take an African dance class because Kandi was trying to reduce the size of her donkey booty. She was a little nervous about dancing in front of the other people in the class, though, which didn’t make sense when you consider that Kandi’s been on stage (and now on TV) for most of her adult life. Because Phaedra doesn’t have an ounce of shame anywhere in her body, though, she had a great time in the class and adored the attention. Kandi, on the other hand, seemed both intimidated and mortified when it came time for her to dance. On the whole, though, the class looked like a hell of a lot of fun. Certainly more fun than, say, adult ballet.

After the dance class, Kandi and Phaedra huddled over in the corner to gossip, naturally. The gossip turned to Marlo, and specifically her mugshots and that one time that she tried to stab someone. Which, according to Marlo, is totally unfair, you guys. Doesn’t everyone have at least one almost-stabbing in their past? Sometimes you just gotta stab a bitch. She had it coming. She was talking to your man and she might have bought a drink on your tab. That totally earns you a stabbing in certain parts of town. Nothing to see here, move along.

Next on the agenda was a visit with Kim and Kroy to her psychic – you remember, the one who said she saw a baby boy in Kim’s future before she had even met Kroy? She might, you know, actually be a psychic. Of all the clairvoyants and “energists” and other various con artists that have graced Real Housewives, she’s the only one who has me curious about her abilities. I mean, she predicted a baby. That’s kind of cool, and also probably a lucky guess, but still kind of cool. Anyway, she said that Kim had another baby and a marriage in her future, which I’m inclined to believe. Track down this lady, I’d like her to put a hex on a guy I used to date. I’d pay good money.

In a slightly more serious setting, Phaedra and Sheree were being no more serious than you’d expect of them. They had descended on an African American history museum and announced their arrival by trying to look under a loin cloth on a display about slaves. This is why we can’t have nice things, Atlanta. This is it, right here. Anyway, after talking with a lady from the museum and generally behaving herself for a few minutes, Phaedra sounded more gung-ho than ever about the group’s upcoming trip to South Africa. Onward, ladies. It’s about time Bravo let y’all leave the continent. Just to hammer the point home, Phaedra then went back to her office and got the Vice President of Ghana on the phone, even though Ghana and South Africa are different countries. You know, just because she could.

The next thing we knew, it was time for the super awkward group dinner that we were all promised in the promos for this week’s episode. Kandi had decided to bring her mom to the restaurant as an incentive for everyone to act like adults, as though somehow the presence of someone’s mom would make them all revert back to kids being watched by their parents. And actually, now that I think of it, that’s not a bad scheme at all. That just might work. Kandi’s mom is pretty adorable, after all.

Except, uh, Mama Joyce was the one who actually brought up the drama between Nene and Kim (and Nene and Sheree, for that matter). She lectured them about how important it was not to throw away your friends and recognize petty issues when they come up, and she also commanded them to speak to each other. After some hemming and hawing, they actually did all speak to each other and no one yelled and flipped tables or tugged wigs or anything. Maybe someone’s mom should be required to chaperone every Real Housewives party. If we wanted the show to be boring and get cancelled, anyway. If you want it to stay crazy, you have to add booze and subtract moms.

Nene, Sheree and Kim are all old pros at this whole thing, though, so none of them were particularly moved my Mama Joyce’s overtures and encouragement. Neither Kim nor Sheree seems to have any desire to be friends with Nene in any capacity, and the feeling seemed to be mutual on Nene’s part. It turns out Mama Joyce was accidentally drunk, though, so that explains a lot of the sappy emotional stuff. Once her (well-intentioned) diatribe was over, everyone started rustling their purses and tossing their napkins onto the table and heading toward the door. And if dinner was that awkward, just imagine how much fun it’s going to be when they’re all trapped in Africa for god knows how long. Just wait, y’all. Just wait.

Oh, and Marlo’s going to come. That shouldn’t be a problem at all.

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