RHOA: “He’s a tank, he eats like crazy.”

December 20th, 2011

Despite the fact that I missed the surprise mid-week episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, I was able to get all caught up for last night’s new show. And despite the fact that it was one of those extended episodes that usually drag on and make me want to scream, a lot of interesting stuff actually happened.

Not only did we get a new maybe-Housewife, Marlo, but she has a huge arrest record and Kandi thinks she might charge for her, uh, affection. Cynthia launched her modeling agency, Kim moved into a new house with a tiny newborn, Phaedra and Sheree rehashed their previous appearance in court. That’s kind of a lot, right? Also, please excuse the lame title quote. Everything else that was said during this episode was too profane for a family blog.

We started in the aftermath of Sheree’s child support hearing, during which it became even clearer that Sheree has no idea how the law works. People file garbage all the time in order to delay decisions, and that’s their right to do so in this great country. The gears of law turn slowly, and Phaedra was absolutely right not to file paperwork on a case when she has yet to receive a retainer. (It’s also, incidentally, a great way to run off a potential deadbeat client before you get in too deep.)

Do you know a lawyer who works for free? Particularly for clients who are known for not paying their legal bills? Phaedra and Sheree might be fake reality show friends, but that doesn’t trump getting paid for the work you normally do in your private life; Phaedra, despite what her makeup choices might indicate, is no fool. They parted ways amicably but decided to end their business relationship, which is probably for the best for all involved, including the audience. If you’d like to know what’s really up with Sheree’s legal troubles (hint: Sheree isn’t exactly the victim in all of this), Reality Tea has a very thorough rundown on the various stories and court documents.

We then moved on to Kim, who was talking with her decorator about making sure her new house would be pretty before the family moved in. I know these little scenes are necessary for expository purposes, but they bore the hell out of me. Moving on!

Our next stop was at an art gallery, where Cynthia was trying to class up Atlanta with, you know, some art and stuff. Unfortunately, she also invited the rest of the Housewives, which meant that any class that might have attended the event immediately fled. You know who didn’t flee, though? Some new chick named Marlo, who has a rap sheet a mile and a half long (with the amazing mug shots to go with it) that includes aggravated assault and check fraud. Also, Kandi thinks might technically be a hooker.

Because these women are not known for their tact, Kandi went ahead and asked Marlo where her money comes from. (Will someone please ask Sheree the same question?) When Marlo gave some kind of bullshit vague answer (“From God!” Yeah right. God has given up on everyone on Real Housewives long ago.), Kandi pressed on in an attempt to find the truth. Maybe she missed her calling as an investigative reporter? Unfortunately, she never got one at that party. It wasn’t Kandi’s business, of course, but considering Marlo’s arrest record and the somewhat questionable backgrounds that some of our Housewives have, it was certainly an interesting question to consider.

We then moved on to Cynthia, who was getting her hair and makeup done and failing to understand the finer points of the United States Postal Service. She had neglected to remember that Monday would be a holiday and the mail wouldn’t go out, so all of the invites she’d be sending to her Bailey Agency launch party wouldn’t arrive on time. I’m not sure why someone couldn’t dump the invites in the mail afternoon and have them delivered elsewhere in the city on Friday and Saturday. Or, you know, e-mail. There is this thing called e-mail. It’s instant. There are even services you can use to make cute little e-mail invitations. They’re called “e-vites.” That’s amazing, right? Peter, for his part, milled around the photo shoot and refused to be helpful. And besides, if you’re mailing out invites and you’re worried that they won’t arrive before the party, you’ve already waited too long to send them and you deserve an empty shindig.

Speaking of difficult things, it was moving day in the Zolciak home. Everything was being loaded up into trucks except for Kim’s wigs, which were going to be strapped into seatbelts in Kim’s car. Normally I’d make jokes about that, but considering that I personally escorted my own handbags when I moved, I guess I can’t really say anything. All of the bags that cost more than four figures went in my carry-on with me. I’m not joking. While Kim and her daughters had a montage of all their happy memories in their old house, I had a personal montage in my head of all of my handbags.

In a decidedly less adorable family interaction, Nene and her son Bryson had a conversation about how Bryson needs to wear a condom and he isn’t ready to be a dad. Right, because there’s a bunch of thirsty potential baby mamas trying to get knocked up by a Real Housewive’s deadbeat son. If there are, things must be more desperate out there than I even realized. Atlanta is still full of retired pro athletes and music industry people, right? Maybe try and get knocked up by one of them? On second thought, Bryson should definitely wear a condom. We don’t need Nene’s DNA further spreading throughout the species. Wrap it up for the sake of humanity. Take one for the team.

We then switched gears to Kandi’s future business plans, which included more songwriting…for country artists. When you think about it, that makes a lot of sense. There isn’t much difference in the subject matter of mass market R&B and mass market country, and I doubt that Kandi will have much of a problem crossing over as long as she has contacts in Nashville. The women wrote “No Scrubs,” for pete’s sake. Do I really need to explain to you how brilliant “No Scrubs” is?

Anyway, it was finally time for Kim to get into her freshly decorated dream house. As you can imagine, it was as tacky as the day is long, but I would have been a bit disappointed (not to mention shocked) if it hadn’t been. It’s almost comforting to know that all that horrendous, oversized, brocade-covered furniture in overpriced suburban home stores actually does end up in a McMansion somewhere. By the looks of it, around 87% of it has ended up in Kim’s. Kroy, to his credit, looked simultaneously intimidated and horrified. In further horrification, we found out that Kim lets her tween daughters steer the car for her while she pumps breast milk. I don’t have any jokes about that.

Back with Kandi, we looked in on a video chat between her and Jo Dee Messina about potential collaborations. They decided to get together and write songs over the weekend in Nashville, so maybe we’ll get a cameo from Jo Dee Messina during the next episode. That might be fun.

We ended the episode with Cynthia’s launch party for her modeling school, which Cynthia had botched earlier by not sending the invites out until the 11th hour. Only three people had RSVP’d (might have something to do with those late invites) and the venue’s brand new CD player had decided not to work. Cynthia had a meltdown while in her makeup chair (Cynthia is always in a makeup chair), but I got distracted by the fact that there are still people out there buying CD players. That’s fascinating.

They eventually got to the party and people were there, mostly because I’m sure that Peter’s famewhoring friends wouldn’t miss an opportunity to get on television. Speaking of Peter, Cynthia’s sister was complaining that he hadn’t done anything to help with the totally shoestring opening, which shouldn’t have come as a surprise to anyone that knows Peter or saw him refuse to help send the invites out earlier in the episode. He’s a jackass, news at 11.

Once the rest of the cast started filing in, Phaedra gave us the breakdown on what Cynthia’s modeling school really is: Girls want to be pretty. Cynthia will take their money and promise to make them pretty, and in the process, maybe they can catch some self-esteem and go to college and actually have a career for themselves. Now if only Phaedra would stop trying to stuff herself into Herve Leger dresses for every episode, she’d be perfect. As it is, she’s easily the best cast member of the season so far.

Speaking of cast members, the new one was at Cynthia’s party and as her reputation would indicate, she started problems. When Marlo confronted Kandi for being rude, Kandi said that she had only asked her about her money because Marlo had encouraged her to ask her anything before she asks someone else about it. Kandi had taken that far more literally than anyone like Marlo ever intended it (gosh, y’all, it’s just supposed to be a classy version of “keep my name out ya mouth”), so naturally they had to rehash it at the agency’s launch. After some hemming and hawing and diversion tacts, Marlo admitted that the only reason she has anything is being she’s “dated” rich men who gave her money and gifts.

In further diversion tacts, Marlo tried to shift focus away from herself with a bunch of Big Poppa jokes, which didn’t entire make sense. First, Kim was never shy about her arrangement or what it entailed. Making jokes about someone who’s not ashamed or secretive about what they’ve done is kind of pointless, particularly since Kim is usually the first one in line to make fun of herself. That just makes the person cracking the jokes seem mean-spirited and insecure, both of which seem to be accurate descriptions of Marlo.

Also, a point of clarification: Marlo assured us that she had slept with a billionaire and that her boyfriends are much richer than Big Poppa, but that just seems unlikely. Not only was Big Poppa really, genuinely rich, but why would a billionaire mess around with some aging ho of middling attractiveness like Marlo? Billionaires can do better. I better watch out, though – I’m headed back to Atlanta tomorrow and if her record is any indication, Marlo might track me down and slap me silly for saying that.

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