RHNJ: “I am in a whirlwind of stupid.”

October 24th, 2011

Finally, after a million bazillion episodes, Real Housewives of New Jersey is over. Over for now, anyway! Apparently Bravo thinks that the drama between cast members is so juicy right now that they’ve fast-tracked the next season, so we’ll be rejoining our guidettes much sooner than we might have expected.

Before we start speculating about next season, though, we have to tie up this one. Last night’s second installment of the reunion was anticlimactic compared to the first one, butI suppose that the revelations about Caroline and Dina’s relationship were interesting enough to sustain most of it. Still, I’m glad that we get to move on to Atlanta in November.

1. The title quote is from last week. Still, I thought it was apt.

2. Everyone on this show is in heat. BIG, EXASPERATED SIGH. I refuse to dignify the Housewives’ bedroom habits by writing about them.

3. Caroline and Dina are feuding. Caroline said that she doesn’t know why, but that was a lie. When Andy continued to press, Caroline said that “someone” had been feeding Dina false information about her, but that she didn’t want to say who. After more pressing from Andy, she admitted that it was Teresa. Naturally, Teresa denied it, and at this point, who knows what’s going on? There’s probably some third side of the story that we’re not hearing, somewhere in between Teresa and Caroline’s version of what happened. At this point, I’m not even sure that I care.

4. Jacqueline wasn’t there, but we still talked about Ashley. The upshot of the entire thing seemed to be that Ashley is still a giant asshole. Raise your hand if you’re shocked.

5. Teresa’s hair looked nice. I think I forgot to say this last week, but Teresa’s Cher Hair was impressive. Whatever she had done to it, I’d like to sign up to have it done to mine too. This is the only time that I’ll ever be jealous of something concerning Teresa’s grooming or style choices, I assure you.

6. Teresa thinks Kathy’s a bad cousin. Mostly because Kathy rescued Adriana from the giant scrum of fighting at the christening? Or because she dared to mention Adriana was unattended at a later date? I’m not sure. Save my baby all you want, but don’t you dare ever mention to me that I left her by herself while I helped incite a riot at a religious event!

7. Having a bunch of family members cast on this show becomes problematic after a certain point. It makes for a lot of drama when things remain on the surface level, but about 45 minutes into last night’s fracas, everyone starting shouting about Christmas and Christmas Eve and who spends holidays where and how long they’ve done it and why Teresa was “devastated,” and you know what? After about 10 seconds, it was like being at your in-laws’ house while they all descended into a drunken fight about stuff that happened a decade before you ever came around. Which is to say, of course, that it was tedious and gave me second-hand anxiety, neither of which I want from a reality TV show.

8. We’ve completely lost the plot. About an hour in, I suddenly realized that I had no idea what anyone was talking about anymore. Andy was teaching Teresa about how we conjugate verbs in English, there was some disagreement over who Juicy Joe had called “raccoon eyes,” it was baffling.

9. Melissa actually came with a list of quotes that she wanted to ask Teresa about. FINALLY SOMEONE DID THEIR HOMEWORK.

10. Teresa regrets nothing. Except saying that Melissa poisons her brother’s head, which doesn’t seem nearly as bad as saying that she married Nonjuicy for money. Hilariously, Teresa first thought that Andy was asking her to list the things that Melissa should regret saying, which either demonstrates how dim-witted or narcissistic she is, depending on how you look at it.

11. Also, Juicy Joe has never done anything wrong in his entire life. It’s ok for him to say the six letter f-word, it’s ok for him to get stinking drunk in public and yell and insult people and chip his tooth, it’s ok for him to send threatening text messages to anyone as long as he doesn’t mean it later. It’s all ok! No accountability for anyone! Anyone whose last name is Giudice, at least. Everyone else must answer for their sins, particularly those committed against Teresa, real or imaginary.

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