RHBH: “If she wanted me to wear my knickers on my head, I’d wear it. Wouldn’t be the first time.”

January 25th, 2012

Well that was a letdown.

This season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has been incredible so far – dramatic, sad, contentious, sometimes a little bit scary. It made for great television, even if I felt a little guilty watching it from time to time, and we’ve all been trained to expect a season finale to take things over the top one final time. This one didn’t, though; for how good last week’s episode was, the finale was a bit of a snoozer.

Pandora’s wedding was kind of pretty, though. So..that’s something. The most interesting thing that happened the entire night was actually on Watch What Happens Live, wherein Brandi admitted to a week-long tryst with Gerard Butler because she still hasn’t learned to lie about things. Can we get Brandi her own show, please?

We started the episode in the middle of the preparations for Pandora’s wedding, which was going to be held in a tent set up on Lisa’s tennis court. And hey, I guess they saved some money on the venue? When looking to host a lavish wedding, it must be awfully convenient to have your own tennis court on which it can be held. How big is Lisa’s yard, anyway? You couldn’t even see the pool from where they were. Lisa’s backyard is Central Park, basically.

Despite the fact that the grounds and the house were buzzing with people and activity and workers preparing for the wedding, instead of getting her hair done and letting the people she paid do the unpleasant part of the prep, Lisa was standing in the foyer amid a pile of branches, arranging flowers herself. I don’t know if all the random shots we’ve seen of Lisa actually working this season are genuine or just a very savvy move by a woman who understands her own public image, but either way, snaps to Lisa. She’s either actually hardworking or tremendously self-aware, and neither of those are qualities one normally finds in reality television stars.

And now for something completely different, Adrienne accompanied Paul to the doctor to pull a Katie Couric and get a colonoscopy. I’ve never had one, but I hear that they’re not particularly pleasant, and I’d imagine that anything that requires you to talk about your impending enema on national television is humiliating on a pretty obvious level. Thankfully they didn’t give it to him while we watched, although we did see the tail end of his colonoscopy and then listen to him fart out the air afterward while under sedation and moaning “oh no” every time some came out. It was nice of him to be concerned about his farts, but, I mean, I don’t even know what to else say about that except that it made me want to seal up all of my holes forever. But get a colonoscopy, ladies! Colon health is important.

Back at Lisa’s house, the $9500 cake was arriving and Lisa was plotting the different ways that she could cover it with roses and Ken was pretending to drop it in order to amuse himself. So, you know, normal stuff. Over at Kyle’s house, she and Mauricio were arguing about whether or not Mauricio could wear a very, very dark blue Dolce & Gabbana suit to the black tie wedding, and personally, I was confused about why he doesn’t own a tux. Doesn’t his lifestyle mean that he goes to a fair number of formal events? Camille, for her part, was also over at her house getting ready for the wedding. Watching people get ready to go to things is really not all that interesting, and perhaps one of my biggest Real Housewives pet peeves. I don’t need to watch the same people get their hair curled every week.

At Lisa’s house once again, Kevin the wedding planner had finally arrived to calm some of Lisa’s concerns, and the event appeared to be coming together beautifully. Lisa even brought in a makeup artist that she had cloned not once but twice to help everyone get ready, which just goes to show you that life really is different for the rich. Cloning someone for your own convenience is very fancy. Oh, and speaking of fancy, Giggy got his very own custom tuxedo. Giggy now owns more tuxedos than Mauricio.

At that point, it was almost time for everything to start. Lisa was corseted within an inch of her life into a baby pink and silver sequined evening gown with a tiara and giant diamond earrings, all of which she said were picked out by her daughter. Normally I’d think that was BS, but Pandora seems to have the exact same taste as her mother, if not even a little more blingtastic, so it seemed utterly plausible. It seems as though Lisa’s MOB dress is a sticking point for some people, and I don’t really understand why.

Every time Lisa urged a little restraint during the planning process, Pandora was exactly the opposite – more pink, more sequins, more flowers! So if she approved of, or even asked for, Lisa’s ensemble, good for her. It’s her wedding. I can’t fathom why people get so bent out of shape about what other people do at their own weddings. Pandy’s dress was similarly over-the-top and really not my style, although I loved her veil trimmed in antique lace, but like I said, not my wedding, not my problem. Wear whatever you want. Have chimps escort your bridesmaids to the altar. It’s not my money you’re spending to do it, so I don’t care.

Bravo showed the walk down the aisle and the vows and Lisa crying a little bit during her one-on-one interview, and although the entire thing was just a tad boring for the amount of drama that we’re used to from this show, it was all very, very sweet and obviously heartfelt. Like I said, the wedding wasn’t my personal style (although weddings never are – WHERE’S THE BLACK?), but it seemed to reflect Pandora quite well and it was a beautifully realized event. Crazy Kevin the Wedding Planner might have earned his keep after all. If anything good can actually come out of a reality show, it’s that Pandora and her husband will have a lot of beautiful footage of their wedding to look back on.

And then, suddenly and in a complete non sequitur, we were at Kyle’s house where a private chef was preparing appetizers and everyone (except Kim, who was absent once again, big surprise) was getting together to see Taylor. Since we last checked in with her, Russell had killed himself and an undisclosed amount of time had passed since his death. Taylor arrived with her daughter and everyone made small talk and looked at pictures from Pandora’s wedding and generally didn’t discuss the big, awkward elephant in the room. Since the episode’s previews built this gathering up as some kind of Come to Jesus moment for Taylor, what actually transpired was utterly disappointing.

There were some oblique mentions to how Kennedy was doing and how Taylor considers the cast members of her family, but that quickly transitioned to looking at iPhone pictures of Camille’s boyfriend’s abs (good for her) and the little “where they are now” blurbs that are customary at the end of every season finale. Adrienne gave everyone a pair is free shoes. For what an entertaining season we’ve had so far, the finale was incredibly dry, particularly compared to last week’s barn-burner of an episode. It’s nice to end on a positive note, of course, but even this morning, I still feel like last week should have been the finale. Pandora’s wedding was nice, but it seemed like it didn’t have anything to do with the season we’ve had thus far. I’ll see you guys in a week for the reunion!

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