RHBH: “You’re going to jump in those heels?”

January 11th, 2012

When trying to describe last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the only term I can think of that accurately conveys my feelings about the whole debacle is “hot mess.” Kim and Ken finally deigned to show up in Hawaii for their free vacation, and when they did, they made everyone wish that they hadn’t ever been invited in the first place.

In and of itself, that probably wasn’t a surprise, and neither was the fact that Ken acted like a total creeper the entire time. The extent to which he was actually scary, though, surprised even me, as did the extent to which neither of them seemed to think that their chronic lateness and disregard for the rest of the group would be an issue for anyone. Surprise! It totally was.

We started back in Hawaii, where Adrienne and Paul were going on a romantic hike, except WAIT, SNAKES! Snakes everywhere. We didn’t actually see any, but Adrienne was sure that they would be there. So there were snakes, but still no Kim. Except, wait, there she was too! She and Ken had finally arrived, a full day late, and the hotel had been nice enough to put them in a room that shared a wall with Kyle and Mauricio (WHO WAS SHIRTLESS). Because that’s exactly what you want to hear through the wall at night – your sister’s desperate junkie humping.

After a little bit of complaining, the show thankfully moved on to a beautiful outdoor dinner for Mauricio’s birthday. Everyone actually managed to show up on time for the meal, but things didn’t stay pleasant for long. When asked why they were a full day late for the vacation, Kim suddenly abandoned the line about her driver’s license – Ken had to work! Ken is retired, but he works one day a week, and the day that he had to work was the day that they all flew to Hawaii. So they came the next day! Except she had already told Kyle that it was because of driver’s license and passport issues, and Kyle had already told everyone else the original reason, so everyone knew that she was a big fat liar. Personally, I think they were probably both too wasted to make it to the airport in time and it was all bullshit, but that’s just a guess. An educated guess.

The conversation then turned to another couple – Taylor and Russell. Apparently there was some conflicting information going on about whether or not Russell was leaving or she was leaving or what was going on, and Adrienne and Paul were lodging their official bets on how long the breakup would last. He was charitable with an estimate of two weeks; Adrienne, on the other hand, assumed they would be back under the same roof in 48 hours. We all know how things actually turned out, I guess.

It wasn’t long, though, before talk turned back to Kim and Ken’s lateness. Kim was defiant and unconcerned that she had been so rude to the entire group, and for some reason, no one really pushed her all that hard on the subject. At this point, I’m not sure why someone hasn’t gotten in her face – ignoring an addict’s bad behavior just enables them to continue to self-destruct, and in this case, it enables them to continue to be in what is clearly an unhealthy relationship. Someone needs to really let Kim have it and not tiptoe around her. Mauricio tried to explain to Kim that the lying on top of the lateness and rudeness created a lot of tension, but I’m not sure that it penetrated the thick haze of whatever it was that Kim was on. She certainly didn’t have any kind of meaningful response to it.

The next day, the whole group was supposed to go out on a rented boat, which is normally an activity that most people would appreciate having arranged for them to enjoy, free of charge. Not Kim and Ken, though. Twenty minutes after the boat was supposed to leave, no one had seen hide nor hair of Frick and Frack, so Lisa spearheaded a recovery mission to find out what kind of k-hole they had fallen into. She and Kyle scaled a wall (sort of) to pound on the patio door to their hotel room so that they would actually open their real door, at which point Kim declared that only Kyle would be allowed to enter. Lisa doesn’t follow instructions from people like Kim, though, so she told them that they were being rude and they needed to be ready now.

Kim mumbled something back about the phone or the clock or something, Ken protested that you couldn’t hear whatever it was that was supposed to make an alarm noise, and Lisa and Kyle went back to the boat. And then…the boat left! Someone grew a backbone and left Latey McLaterson and her troll boyfriend on the shore so that they could all enjoy their boat ride without those two getting the junkie sweats and skeeving everyone out.

Instead, Frick and Frack found a random table on the sidewalk somewhere to “have lunch” and slur at each other. As Kyle pointed out later, they didn’t go to the beach or to the pool or even to get a couple’s massage. They just sat there, acting wasted and dribbling out a bunch of nonsense about how Kim should always smile and no one should ever make her unhappy. Kim, it’s worth noting, was also wearing some kind of strange choker with her bathing suit that made her look like she stepped straight out of 1994.

Back home in Beverly Hills, Taylor and Dana-Pam (who apparently didn’t get invited to Hawaii, even after all of her begging) got together to have a chef-prepared meal in a palatial kitchen and boohoo about Taylor’s breakup. Perhaps it’s because we’ve all been hearing about it for so long in the regular press, but I had a hard time listening to the scene. Mostly I just wanted my very own piece of salmon, which, sadly, was not forthcoming.

In Hawaii, another group get-together was planned and more Ken and Kim drama went down. Ken was hiding behind a bush and overheard part of what seemed to be a fairly innocuous conversation between Adrienne, Kim and Paul, and he stopped the entire group cold and confronted them about what was being said. He accused Adrienne of making some kind of bad face, which is just silly, because we all know that Adrienne’s face doesn’t really move all that much. The entire scene was bizarre and frankly a little scary – he seemed more than willing to try and intimidate anyone he didn’t like into shutting up, and I can only imagine what he’d be like in a one-on-one relationship with a petite, insecure woman like Kim. Particularly if he was the one controlling her supply of whatever it is that she’s, which I’m beginning to think was the case.

Things actually did progress to the sit-down portion of the meal, though, against all logic, but they didn’t stay there for long. Kyle tried to rather delicately broach the issue of rudeness and lateness and (tangentially, at least) junkieness with Frick and Frack, but they both decided that they didn’t care (or, more accurately, Ken decided for them and made a bunch of “we” declarations) what anyone said because they’d do what they wanted and Kyle is just, like, totally harshing their mellow, you know? So they got up and left instead of actually taking any sort of responsibility for their actions or the frustrations that they’d caused for the group, because how dare anyone tell them that they’re behaving like spoiled teenagers? And utterly creepy spoiled teenagers at that.

In their absence, the rest of the table actually fell into argument, despite the fact that I think they all mostly agreed that Kim was out of line, Ken’s presence seemed to make her problems worse and Kyle needed to intervene as much as she could. Or, you know, stop enabling the entire thing at the very least. Brandi, of all people, was the one to step in with the reality check that the scene needed – Kim obviously has issues and needs help, but going around and picking up after her only enables her to continue to live with those problems instead of confronting them. And by “live with those problems,” I mean literally live with Ken and whatever stash he’s enticing her with. Kim was just released from rehab and is no longer with Ken, according to Kyle, so at least there’s been a bit of progress since this episode was shot.

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