RHBH: “What’s said in Vegas stays in Vegas” Edition

December 14th, 2011

For having Vegas, strippers, a million-dollar lollipop holder (Dana-Pam, natch), a trip to a TV show and a mini nervous breakdown, last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was actually surprisingly sedate. Perhaps the bar for all of those things has already been set so high by previous housewifery that we’ve all lost our collective ability to be surprised by any of it?

Bravo will come up with something new to surprise us, of course. They always do! But for now, let’s rehash another episode of male strippers and Herve Leger dresses, shall we? Sounds like a plan. Also, apologies about the title quote (or complete lack thereof). My bad!

We started with Lisa, as is customary, but this time she wasn’t with Pandora, she was with Taylor. They got together at one of Lisa’s restaurants to have lunch and talk about the disaster at the party last week, which Lisa didn’t see in person and, as it turns out, Taylor didn’t remember. Luckily for her…there’s video? Or maybe that’s rather unlucky? Kind of a tossup, depending on whether you look at Taylor as a sympathetic abusive victim or a famewhore. (I think she’s a lil’ bit of both, personally.) Anyway, Taylor weighs four pounds, so I’m guessing it doesn’t take much booze to get her blackout drunk.

Instead of talking about the nitty-gritty details of the fight, Taylor talked about how she’s washing her hands of Camille and how Kyle did the splits in front of everyone. She remembers that, but it was slightly earlier in the party, so I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and choose to believe that she wasn’t quite shitfaced yet. Speaking of shitfaced, Taylor’s going to go to Pandora’s bachelorette party in Vegas because Kyle can’t come. That’ll go well. Unstable people and Vegas always mix perfectly.

Elsewhere, Camille and Brandi got together with Camille’s friendployee DiDi to discuss why exactly it is that Taylor is so mad at Camille. As they pointed out, Taylor claims that Camille put Kennedy in jeopardy, but the only thing putting Kennedy in jeopardy is still being in a home with an abusive parent. Silence (and friends who are willing to look the other way) only make it possible for abuse to persist. The ladies also brought up the possibility that Lisa was only being nice to Taylor now in order to appear to be the one who saves the day, but Lisa offered help to Taylor long before Camille said anything public about the abuse. I like Camille and Brandi so far, but I’m not entirely buying that theory.

In far less serious news, Adrienne and Paul were at their house, getting ready to go to a taping of The Doctors to talk about being healthy while you’re extremely busy. They bickered while they packed their bags for the day, they bickered while they drove to the studio, they probably bicker in their sleep. It works for them, apparently. Bickering, by itself, probably doesn’t deserve its own scene. We did get to see that one cute doctor on the show who always wears the scrubs, though, so I guess that was worth it. Call me, scrubs-wearing dude from The Doctors.

Meanwhile, Kyle and Faye were at what appeared to be a giant chandelier store in order to pick out lighting for Kyle’s annual White Party. White Parties are kind of five years ago, but if it’s for a good cause, it’s for a good cause. Faye accidentally dropped a chandelier in front of the manager and made an enormous crashing sound, but based on her croc Birkin from a previous episode, I bet she can afford to pay for the damage.

Over with Lisa, we finally got our wedding planning scene for the episode. Lisa and Pandora went to a bridal salon to try on wedding dresses, and predictably, they were all extremely poofy and intricate and covered in silk flowers and ruching and fabric on top of fabric on top of fabric. It doesn’t necessarily surprise me that that’s Pandora’s style, but with the enormous budget that she most certainly has, I was hoping that she’d go high-fashion instead of OMG TAFFETA. That was probably a wish that was never going to be granted, but I like to dream big.

In Vegas, people had started to arrive for the simultaneous weekend parties that both Adrienne and Lisa seemed to be planning, and between them, everyone was at one hotel or another with the exception of both Kim and Kyle. As was already explained, Kyle had a previously scheduled photoshoot for her book that conflicted, and then we had the now-customary scene where Kim calls to make up an excuse about why she’s not coming via speakerphone. I think we’ve had more of those phone calls than actual scenes with Kim this season.

After checking in with the ladies in Vegas, we then skipped back to Beverly Hills to watch Kyle’s book photo shoot, or more accurately, to watch Kyle try (unsuccessfully) to get in touch with Kim before the shoot. Kim had promised to be there because it was a big day for Kyle, but naturally, she was shacked up with Ken and not answering her phone and probably stoned out of her gourd on something or other. Kyle went forward with the shoot, which actually looked great. It was a similar concept to Sonja’s book shoot from Real Housewives of New York – an evening gown in the kitchen – but it was executed in a much more beautiful way. Plus, there was a pup! I love a pup.

Before we even knew it, we were back to Vegas and the dueling parties. Dana-Pam showed up for Adrienne’s and had a diamond-encrusted lollipop holder (I shit you not) to show off to everyone (it cost a million dollars, because you asked), but the entire party quickly moved on to bowling. Like, in the suite. The suite had a bowling alley. That looked like a lot more fun than listening to Dana-Pam jabber on about all the expensive crap that she has, and Brandi somehow managed to make bowling in a boot look totally hot. I think it has something to do with how tall and thin she is. Yeah, that’s probably it.

While Adrienne & Co. were having fun at the Palms, Lisa and Taylor were visiting with the Chippendales dudes at…wherever the Chippendales dudes congregate. While the group was talking to the dancers backstage, we learned the difference between Real Housewives of Atlanta and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: cock socks! Which are, well…exactly what they sound like. Once onstage, the dancers gyrated on various props – settees, motorcycles, thin air. Pandora, Lisa and Taylor were then brought up onstage for lap dances, but none of them did anything even remotely interesting with the opportunity. Over at the Palms, Brandi and Camille were rubbing on each other much harder than anyone at the strip show.

Back in Beverly Hills, Kyle and Estella had gone vintage shopping to find Estella a dress for the White Party, and while they were successful at that, they were also successful at randomly (“randomly”) finding Kim on the street outside the shop. Kyle hauled her inside the store against Kim’s protestations over not wanting to talk to Estella (it was never explained why), and the two sisters sat down to chat. Perhaps predictably, the conversation quickly turned troubling.

Apparently Kim’s kids don’t like Ken any more than any of us do, and they’ve complained that they feel like they’re losing their mother and that they don’t hear from her anymore. Kim insists that she still calls every day and that she doesn’t know why the kids can’t just be happy for her, but when all of your grown children (not to mention your sister/babysitter) form similar opinions about the random dude you hid from them for a year and just moved in with, it might be worth it to consider whether or not they’re right.

Kim was clearly and genuinely sobbing for most of the conversation, which was tough to see. She was also quite thin, which is not something I’d normally comment about, but she looked frail compared to how we’ve seen her in the past and seemed just as emotionally frayed as Taylor did last week, even if there was less yelling and screaming and trying to claw people’s eyes out. The most recent news on Kim is that she’s checked herself back into rehab, so I can’t help but wonder if her relationship with Ken wasn’t the result of their mutual substance abuse. Few people get involved with obvious, active addicts who don’t have serious problems themselves, and drugs or booze or whatever Kim was (is?) using would make it easy for a controlling man to wield a ton of power over her. Has anyone heard if Kim is still with him now that she’s gone to rehab?

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