RHBH: “What’s he going to do for party favors, give people a bag of money?”

October 18th, 2011

In the interest of full disclosure, I have a terrible cold right now, and I had it during last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as well. So, you know, adjust your expectations of today’s recap accordingly, or at least don’t say that I didn’t warn you.

Last night’s episode of Beverly Hills wasn’t much to write home about anyway, other than the end of the previous week’s altercation between Brandi, Kyle and Sad Kim. After that, a bunch of lunches were had with various groupings of housewives, and in an unrelated scene, Lisa met the most obnoxious wedding planner ever. Yep, that’s about it.

In the grand tradition of Real Housewives brawls, we started right where we left off. Dana-Pam’s house was the site of a continuing fight between Brandi and Frick & Frack, and it was raging just as hard as it was when we departed last week. Unfortunately, we had seen most of this part of the fight in previews already: Kim and Kyle had been mean and nasty to Brandi for the duration of the party, and Brandi finally blew a fuse when someone brought up her son peeing in the grass at the previous party.

That’s when Brandi started yelling about crystal meth and how cracked out Kim is, and although there do seem to be some generalized rumors out there about Kim and meth specifically, shouting that out at a party is probably not a great way to win friends and influence people. As I said last week, though, Kim’s continued trips to the bathroom with her giant purse in tow were the elephant in the room, and she and her sister can’t expect everyone to pretend like that’s not happening ad infinitum. If I were Brandi, though, I would have kept any accusations a wee bit more generalized. I’m no expert on crystal meth, but isn’t it incredibly smelly? Wouldn’t they all have known if that’s what Kim was doing?

As tends to happen, Brandi’s accusation brought on a bunch of shouting about trailer trash and bad mothers and who was or wasn’t wasted, and eventually Brandi and Kim got up and made motions toward getting in a physical altercation. Great, the self-described slut with a broken leg and the sad junkie were going to duke it out for our viewing pleasure. I bet that’s a Bravo producer’s wet dream.

At the threat that anyone was going to lay her hands on anyone else, though, Taylor absolutely dove into action (previously, she had just been using her enormous mouth to make the most surprised of surprised faces) to break up the fight and nearly burst into tears about how no one would be touching anyone else. Knowing what we do of Taylor’s home life during this period of time, Taylor’s actions to end the fight and send Brandi home stood out quite a bit. It seemed like a bit of genuinely, deeply felt emotion in a franchise where everything seems increasingly staged.

Brandi did eventually go home, though, and the next day, Kyle went over to Lisa’s house to share all the gossip about Game Night with her and Adrienne. I can’t help but wonder how the evening would have been different if they had been present – Lisa and Adrienne are far more logical (and probably far more intelligent) than the average housewife. I bet they would have shut the entire thing down long before it devolved into shouting about crystal meth and trailer trash, which makes me wonder if producers had purposefully excluded them from the party in order to fan the flames of drama.

Elsewhere, Brandi and Taylor got together to have lunch and discuss what happened, and much to my surprise, Brandi admitted that she wasn’t entirely without fault. Taylor did gently nudge Brandi in the direction of a future apology for some of the more extreme things that were said, but I won’t hold my breath in anticipation of that happening. Although, if I know Bravo, they’ll make Taylor and Kyle sit down by themselves at some random restaurant and duke it out alone so that no scared, easily triggered third party can make them stop.

Next, we headed out the the Palm Desert house that was apparently the “stolen” house mentioned (“screamed about”) in last season’s finale, and between interviews with Kim and Kyle, we finally got an explanation of what a “stolen” house actually entails. (Hint: It doesn’t actually entail any kind of stealing!) When Kim and Kyle’s mother died, she left that house to her three daughters. Kyle bought out her two sisters, and she now owns the house with her husband. Kim apparently wanted to buy back in, and Kyle declined.

That’s not exactly stealing the house, particularly when Kim can pretty clearly use it any time that she likes and it was only a third Kim’s in the first place. Kyle isn’t required to allow either of her sisters to buy back in after they’ve agreed to buyouts, so long as both sisters have been paid in full for their stakes. There’s no takesies-backsies in real estate. Well, actually, I guess there are. They’re called foreclosures, but that’s not what’s happening here. This is a set of Housewives who actually pays their bills.

While Kyle and Kim were silently brooding ove real estate, Lisa and Pandora were back in Beverly Hills meeting with a gaysian wedding planner with the worst haircut I’ve ever seen in my entire life. It was sort of “textured” on top with a straight mini-mullet in the back, and don’t even let me start on the eyebrows. His suit was…kind of shiny? He wore his sunglasses inside, he told Lisa that Pandora couldn’t get married for less than a million dollars, he told Pandora that she couldn’t have anything but white on her wedding dress. Nothing about this dude was working for me. I would have kicked him out of my house immediately, but instead, Lisa hired him. I didn’t take Lisa as the kind of woman to put up with someone like that, but perhaps Bravo is paying.

In between there and Camille’s cancer benefit, some stuff surely happened, but I got a sniffle attack and kind of glazed over. I do remember that Kyle realized that Kim had been using scented room spray as breath spray, but I think that was earlier? (And WTF was up with that?) Anyway, once everyone arrived at the benefit, Kyle continued to give Brandi the side-eye and make some quietly passive-aggressive comments and Brandi mostly concentrated on her salad. Lisa tried to ask some polite questions to get to know Brandi, but Brandi was perhaps focusing too intently on not whacking Kyle with one of her crutches to really make conversation. Or maybe she’s just not all that smart. She can be a victim of a Mean Girl tirade and not be particularly bright, you know. They’re not mutually exclusive. Sometimes bad things happen to not particularly great people.

For some reason, we then cut to Adrienne and Kim going on a walk in the neighborhood. We know from last season that Kim doesn’t live anywhere near the other Housewives, so I can’t figure out why exactly that setup was chosen, but in her continued effort to not ever wear anything that has been stylish in the last five years, Sad Kim showed up wearing a Juicy sweatsuit and she was ready to bitch. Except she didn’t have all that many specific complaints; instead, she spoke in the kind of generalities that you learn from reading one too many self-help books, which I would imagine is an activity to which Kim has devoted a fair number of hours.

That was where the fairly drama-free episode ended (if you exclude the drama that happened in the previous episode, anyway), and it’s not all that surprising that this week was a little slow after last week’s raging dumpster fire of an episode. Bravo keeps showing us the same preview every week, so who knows what’s going to happen next Monday.

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