Rachel Zoe Project: “If he wanted to buy me Graff diamonds, it’d be ok.”

September 21st, 2011

It’s time for the last round in my post-Fashion Week apology tour: Y’all, I’m sorry I missed last week’s episode of The Rachel Zoe Project. At that point in my Fashion Week, I had been rendered completely unable to think thoughts or feel feelings, so any recap I would have written would have consisted of me whimpering for someone to bring me a Diet Coke.

Not that my everyday life doesn’t consist mostly of that, because it does, but you probably don’t want to read that in a recap. So here we have your regularly scheduled fashion shenanigans, complete with a Kardashian in her underwear. If that doesn’t entice you, I don’t know what can. (Seriously, the Internet seems to have proven that’s the most enticing thing ever.)

We started with Rachel and her newly arrived hair stylist Joey, who were talking about cleavage and nipples and whether or not the baby was going to “come out of her vadge” or be C-sectioned. Since the two were clearly clueless about the mechanics of having a baby, Rachel’s sister would be coming to visit to explain the birds and the bees to Rachel and her team before the baby dropped straight out of Rachel in the middle of a styling appointment and waved at everyone.

Speaking of challenges, we then visited Rodger and Jeremiah, who were over at the new house to discuss decorating. Rodger and Rachel wanted to be ready to move in in two weeks, and they had…no furniture! Have you guys ever tried to buy high-end furniture before, particularly for a very large house? It takes like 800 years to take delivery of anything. They start chopping down the trees to make the furniture like a week after you place the order, if you’re lucky and they feel like it. If not, eh, they’ve already got your money and they don’t care! They’ll get to it when they get to it.

On top of that, Jeremiah seemed to be kind of a himbo and he’s not at all familiar with Rachel’s aesthetic, which is a problem when you’re dealing with someone for whom aesthetics are so important. You know, she’s just a stylist. I’m sure she’ll take whatever Ikea leftovers her unqualified new employee manages to haul in for her, right? Rachel’s not particular about how things look at all, so I see no problem there. It’s not like this stuff is expensive or anything.

Into this fray, enter Kim Kardshian! Someone affiliated with her called up Rachel in the middle of her complaining about being so busy to say that Kim needed a stylist and a few looks for a Valentine’s Day-themed photoshoot that was shooting in, uh, 24 hours. After getting off the phone, Rachel summoned her gays to pull lots of Kardashiclothes and Jordan to look for pretty (BUT TIGHT. MAKE IT TIGHT.) gowns.

While Jordan got to gownin’, Joey and Jeremiah went to pick up some shoes. And by some shoes, I mean all of the shoes, as long as they were red or black and made by the handsome hands of Brian Atwood. Joey was like a kid in a candy store, but Jeremiah wanted to focus on what they had been told to find and offering a good variety of options, and at this point in the episode, I still had no idea who was going to be right. On the one hand, I agreed with Jeremiah that bringing along some shoes in colors other than red or black was probably a good idea. On the other hand, if that was true, why not bring some fancy belts or whatever else, just in case?

Elsewhere, Rachel and Rodger had taken the afternoon off to argue about whether or not Rodger could go to Las Vegas for the Super Bowl. Rachel said no, because she was 46 months pregnant and they had a million things to do and she was intent on taking it out on Rodger. And, I mean, I don’t really blame her. But she told him to go anyway, even though she made it clear she was pissed, and naturally he was going to go. In a way, wouldn’t it just be easier to send your husband to Vegas for a day if you’re cranky and working and he’s just going to be pouting underfoot all day when you need to work? This is why I’m single. Send the dude to Vegas. Whatever. Get him out of my face.

And then, the Kardashishoot! There Kim was, in all of her perfect-haired glory, and Rachel and Joey were there to put her in a white button-down and underwear. Himbo Jeremiah wasn’t allowed to come along because Rachel could only bring one assistant, and since Joey is one of Those Gays who worships Kim, he got the call-up to be the boy short-adjuster for the day. Meanwhile, Jeremiah was trying to custom-order furniture without approval or oversight for a woman he’s known for approximately two weeks. That’s going to go SO WELL.

Back at the shoot, Kim was perpetually pecking away at her Blackberry at every spare second, even when Joey was shoving his arm up her red Dolce & Gabbana dress to adjust her slip. In addition to her endless texting, the most interesting part of Kim in the episode was how tiny she look. I had always heard that she was very small, but I think that you get an image of her when you only see her compared to her sisters, and my impression was that she’s average height and out-of-control curvy. Next to other people who we know are small, she looked very petite and quite curvy, but not aggressively so. In fact, she looked very pretty. So, you know, good for Kim.

Seemingly immediately after the shoot ended, Rachel’s sister showed up and swept the unhappy couple off to a doula, who Rodger may or may not have called a scam artist. (Did I hear that asshole correctly? I’m really not a huge Rodger fan, you know?) I can see why Rachel was so irritated with him – he gets to go to Vegas, can’t he shut up and be supportive for ten seconds while Rachel actually got a little information about birthing a baby. (Instead, she’s just going to “wing it.” God help us all.) The doula handled it well, but Rodger continued to throw his toddler fit in the car on the way home.

You see, Rodger is neglected. Rachel is about to give birth and her work is indispensable to her family’s income, but you guys, Rodger just needs to feel more special. He’s cranky, and he’s unsure of change, and he just needs someone to tell him how important he is and how special he is. Do the rest of you remember him being the one that pressed the whole baby issue so hard last season? Was he not the one who insisted that all of this stuff take place as soon as possible? I’m not making that up, am I? And now he has exactly what he wanted, and he’s pouting. Fantastic.

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