Rachel Zoe Project: “At least it’s a wedge. I have support.”

October 13th, 2011

On last night’s episode of The Rachel Zoe Project, kind of a lot managed to happen for a show where mostly not much goes on. Rachel styled an Elle photo shoot, she posed for the cover of the Hollywood Reporter and she fake-fired her new hottie assistant Jeremiah. I’m winded just thinking about it!

For those of you who tune in to see Jeremiah’s pretty face, don’t fret. He’ll get rehired eventually, and he’ll be in the episodes until then. If Rachel’s skipping fashion week and the baby hasn’t shown up to say hello yet, we have to have some kind of drama, right? Of course. This is Bravo we’re talking about here.

We started with Rachel on a conference call to Elle about the requisite swim-with-stilettos shoot that every magazine does a version of every summer. Fierce shoes and a bunch of jewelry? Sign me up, even if it’s not exactly a new idea. Some ideas get repeated over and over again for a reason, and the reason is because they’re fun to look at. Also, they encourage you not to eat lunch after you look at them, so they perhaps save you $10 in Chipotle? It’s a public service, really.

Elsewhere, Rodger was losing his mind over the fact that Rachel was working while being exceptionally pregnant, even though his manfriend told him that his wife worked until she had her baby as well. In fact, I think most women work until the kid starts trying to claw its way out, unless they have some sort of complications. Rachel apparently doesn’t, so let the lady work in peace if it makes her happy. Clearly, it does. Calm down, Rodg.

At the studio, The Gays were getting ready for the photo shoot and Jeremiah was feeling a little bit excluded. Because Rachel and Joey are forever BFFs, sometimes he doesn’t get included on business emails or other things that he wants to know about, and I’ll admit that kind of sucks. Trying hard to do your job well and then realizing that you’re not even clued in to half the stuff that’s going on is a hard thing to remedy, not to mention not very professional of Rachel. Not that we’d expect anyone being filmed by Bravo to act professional a this point, because that kind of ruins the show.

One of the female assistants (Was it Mandana? Was it Marisa? Who knows! Are they secretly the same person?) eventually showed up to comfort Jeremiah, who was lost in a sea of stilettos, suffering from a cold and feeling like the redheaded stepchild of the whole company. He eventually filled a duffle bag with twenty grand worth of shoes and decided that he had done his job for the day and could leave. If this whole New York thing doesn’t work out, I’m going to move to LA and try to get a job with Rachel Zoe, because I think I would be at least as good at filling bags with shoes as Jeremiah is. I’m not as cute as he is, though. Real talk.

In further proof that I’d be just as good at his job as he is, once Jeremiah arrived at the photo shoot the next day, he realized that he had lost a zillion dollars worth of Chanel and Lanvin costume jewelry. Rachel was en route to the shoot and Jeremiah was having a full-on panic attack looking for the jewels, which, of course, were in a suitcase under a table and he found them just in time! What a reality TV coincidence.

And then, AND THEN! THE CLOTHES PORN! This is what the entire show should be – giant costume jewelry and hooker stilettos as far as the eye can see. Plus the sunnies! Oh, the sunnies. Rachel is right, bathing suit shoots are totally the best because they’re all about the eight tons of accessories that you can pile on top of them that no one should ever actually wear to the beach. But don’t you kind of love seeing women in the sand in heels and jewelry, trying really, really hard to look like a magazine editorial and totally failing? I kind of love that. I’m kind of Grinchy.

Once things got to shooting, Joey lazed around in a deck chair and took pictures of Rachel while he told her that she looked like a knocked-up Brigit Bardot. Jeremiah, on the other hand, was working like a busy little beaver to make sure that everything was perfect and that he did everything that he should, just like he should be. Joey has been around forever, Jeremiah has been there for like a week and a half. Of course he needs to work hard and be impressive and make himself useful, and of course Rachel isn’t treating him like a BFF quite yet. Gotta pay your dues, Jeremiah.

Eventually the photo shoot was over and everyone was back at RZ headquarters, where Jeremiah decided to propose a whole new arm of the country just so he could feel like a special snowflake. Thankfully he didn’t go straight to Rachel or Roger with those thoughts and instead talked to Marisa (I’m pretty sure that was Mandana before), who gave him the logical and obvious answer: Home decor is in the future, but not the immediate future because, duh, baby and clothing line and whatever. She did promise to have a conversation with The Powers That Be about it, which is more than I expected would come of the conversation.

Back at home, Rachel and Joey were discussing whether or not the doctors would see Rachel’s butt at the hospital and if she would have to change out of her Chanel duster cardigan and into one of those icky hospital gowns. As silly as it seemed, I think that’s a legitimate question – hospital gowns are awful and dehumanizing and institutional, and I’d much rather wear a Chanel cardigan. If I had one. Which I don’t! But maybe one day, if I play my cards right and marry well. (Kidding!) (Kind of.)

Meanwhile, Marisa and Rodger were discussing Jeremiah’s idea of a home line, and their conversation perfectly illustrated why you shouldn’t start rocking the boat too soon at a new job. Shock of shocks, it’s a bad idea to point out that you don’t have a real purpose at a company that would just as soon fire you as have you come in tomorrow. Why in the world does anyone think that pointing out your own institutional redundancy would be a savvy move? Jeremiah better be glad he’s cute, because he’s certainly not a rocket scientist.

Thankfully, we were given a small reprieve when it was time for Rachel’s cover shoot with the Hollywood Reporter. She found an absolutely AMAZING vintage 70s fully sequined animal print Halston gown in her closet that she had yet to wear, and obviously that’s a perfect thing to wear for an incredibly highly publicized photo. Or, you know, just a day of casual blogging around the house. (Again, if I had one.) Rachel actually looked great, despite the fact that a baby was ready to fall out of her, and I continue to think that she should just stay pregnant forever. It totally agrees with her.

In between looks, Rachel and Rodger discussed Jeremiah in a grave manner that was surely meant to indicate to all of us that they were going to fire him, which I assumed would never happen. And then Jeremiah and Rodger got together and…they fired him? They actually fired him. Ok, well, “fired.” He’s clearly going to continue to be in episodes, and I could have swore that I read an article before the season where Rachel talked about how great it is to have Jeremiah on the team, so I have a feeling that we can guess how all of this stuff is going to pan out by the end of the season. “Reality” TV, indeed.

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